Two stories about my mother and her often wacky sense of perception. One day in the mid to late 80s, my mother and I were driving in our lovely AMC Concord. The cars of my youth were a baby blue pinto, a brown pinto, the AMC Concord, a red Hyundai and a grey Hyundai. As you can see, we were lovers of the cheap. Truthfully I am surprised that a Yugo was not purchased. My Dad's car at the moment is a Ford Focus, so yes, the madness continues. The first car he got for me was a 1984 Ford LTD. Nothing says cool like a 10 foot long car with a door length capable of tripping passerbys on the opposite side of the street. Anyway, as we progressed down the street my mother happily chirping away, out of no where runs a squirrel who was immediately greeted with the wheel of the tire, his fate obviously sealed. My mother, in this instant, turns to me unfazed and says "Did you see that? That squirrel had suicide in his eyes." Ah, my mom. I do love her.

The second story is a bit more personal as it involves a momentous occasion in a young girl's life, but I will share. One morning during my junior year, crippled with the joy of being a girl, I had run out of maxi pads. I went downstairs to inquire of my mother if she had any I could use. She stated, no, but that she had tampons. I was a bit hesitant, but she informed me that it was no big deal and got the box, and handed me the instructions. So upstairs I went and read how the tampons were created by a woman gynecologist, and how they were specially formulated to adjust accordingly to the unique shape of a woman. Thankfully I had finished health class so I knowingly nodded. Confident, I took a tampon, unwrapped its plastic wrapper, and took the string and flared the bottom so as to insert it with my finger as instructed. Always a nerd when it comes to directions. I then stood up, and as suggested, put my left foot up on the toilet, squatted a bit, took a deep breath and inserted. As I pushed up I felt a tear and a terrible pain hit my gut immediately so much so I let out a yelp. But within a few minutes I was fine, so I got dressed and met my mother in the kitchen. "How was it?" she asked. "Good, although I felt this sorta tear that really hurt." "Don't worry, it won't happen again. You'll be fine." It was then that I realized that I had taken my virginity in my bathroom at 7:45 a.m. with the assistance of my mother. And nope, no amount of therapy can help that.