An Open Letter

Dear PMS,

I hate you. For the past few nights I have been tossing and turning, incapable of any firm grasp on sleep. Usually my sleep is reminiscent of the dead, dead bed hogs, sure, but still - THE DEAD. Because of you and this ridiculous San Francisco heat wave, I lay in bed doing my best impression of a hot flashed fifty-five year old menopausal women while thoughts of who to draft in my fantasy football leagues bounce around in my head. Seemingly, the boy part and the girl parts of me have thrown down the gauntlet to battle. And since there will be no future use of my female parts due to fact that having another kid will inevitably make me a homeless insane drunkard, I would like to state with the most emphatic of all voices - leave me the fuck alone. I served my time through years of horrible cramps, moodiness, acne and that one time there was an unfortunate leak in high school pointed out to me by a girl in the presence of what seemed to be 1,000 boys. So yeah, cut me a break. Leave me and my mostly male mind alone. There are two fantasy drafts next week that need absolute focus. I can’t be drafting players with this girl brain of psychosis. For all I know, I will end up drafting Ochocinco because he is cute and was on the Dancing with the Stars. Shudder.

Yours truly,

Cassie McCall

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

1. When thinking about taking a 16 month old across county on a plane why don’t you just stab your eye out with a fork, it will be less painful.

2. Humidity is an evil vile thing that one does not have to suffer from. You hear that New England?

3. Fenway installed more restrooms for the ladies. No longer need to miss three and a half innings when all those consumed beers make it known.

4. What the hell happened to Lansdowne Street? The Cask and Flagon no longer a dive bar and some place called “Game On”? Tainted, I say. Tainted.

5. Crane’s Beach is entirely too gorgeous.

6. If you want to see utter glee on your 3.5 year old son's face, take him to Water Country. Never has a kid been so happy as Owen was when in that water park. Insane giddy people.

7. The Dunkin Donuts strong arm on Massachusetts is iron clad (and almost mafia like in its tactics). How many Dunkin Donuts can one state have? I don’t think the people even enjoy the DD, but they have no other choice in the matter.

8. Drinking half of bottle of grey goose on a Friday night in order reclaim your drinking youth is not exactly fun the next morning. But when waking up that morning deciding with still drunk mind and eyes to run five miles is bordering on masochistic.

9. The antipasto appetizer at Massimino’s in the North End made my belly cry out in delight.

10. Although the pull of family and friends is great, I am now a San Francisco girl. I like my summers foggy cold so that my whiskey can gently warm.