The Tomboy's Guide to Pregnancy and Parenting - When Two Is Enough

Because John and I have decided that there would be no further additions to our family, I am on the birth control. John did volunteer to have himself snipped. But I said no. Do you know that if a man does not die of anything else, he is guaranteed a 100% chance of prostate cancer? That little nugget of fact made the vas deferens (science joke!) to me. And although the two are most likely not related, it screamed to me - let those sperm swim free and not be prisoners in my husband’s testicles causing his inevitable demise. Because if John were to die, I would be alone with those two kids. NO!!!!!

Now because these sperm are present with their little heads of genetic material waiting to ravage my eggs, I went on the pill. The typical use failure rate of the diaphram (my previous chosen birth control method) hovers at twenty percent. These are dice I had no intention of rolling. Pretty much anything that does not guaranty me 99.99% effectiveness is not going to fly. Because I do not want anymore kids, ever, in case I have not made myself perfectly clear.

The side effects of the pill are best summed up as short term monthly psychosis. I don’t say this lightly, because let’s face it people, the pill is telling your body - “Dude, you are so knocked up.” “You got a little baby in there.” “So don’t be shooting eggs off.” “Keep em housed up in that ovary.” “That a girl.” Then every 28 days it goes “Psyche! You stupid bitch, you ain’t pregnant.” “You are so dumb. Let me make you crazy with PMS.” “Look, that person looks like a Dorito, you better eat him.” I am sure there is some hormonal scientific explanation about this but I feel better that the pill is like the older brother I never had who is constantly lying to me and punching me in the gut at appropriate times. Because that is what the cramps feel like, punches to the gut.

But I suffer on a monthly basis because the thought of more children makes me weep and curl into the fetal posiiton. I can't stand Pill PMS, its a super hybrid of regular PMS which in itself sucks ass. Yesterday, every look to the mirror made me cringe. Incredibly uncomfortable in my body and super short-tempered - the best combination ever! But I took deep breathes, and more importantly downed an almost bottle of wine and a few beers. And today is better. I finished a 6.5 mile run and my thoughts are clearer and less psychotic. The tide, she will come. Although I am counting the months until I go back on the diaphram. Because 2 years from now, my eggs will be little old ladies of crippled DNA incapable of children. Hooray for my 40s. I can’t believe I just said that.