Game of Thrones - Episode Two, The Kingsroad

Before launching into my recap of Game of Thrones Episode Two, in my last recap I forgot to mention that during the first episode each of the Ned’s children, including Bastard Jon Snow, received a direwolf. Direwolves in Westeros are like regular ole grey wolves in North America. Originally they were to be killed as their mother was dead, but them someone said, “But the Direwolf is the symbol on the Stark crest.” I wish the symbol on the McInnis/McCall family crest was Jameson Irish Whiskey, to know that I could never pass it by without taking it into my awaiting arms. Heaven.

We open on a whole lot of horses walking in a line. Horses like line dances, I know this from cowboys. Seems the Dothraki are nomadic. Daenerys looks at them wearing a lovely sheer gown. When I am on a horse, traveling with savages, I too like to look pretty. She is given something to eat by Jorah and she says “Isn’t there anything else”. What comes first the bitch or the queen? She is told that the Dothraki have an abundance of grass and horses, and people can’t live on grass. Tell that to San Francisco, Jorah! They come to camp and poor Daenerys can’t walk. Is it the horse ride, or the fact that her King is eight feet tall and makes Conan the Barbarian feel fat so I can imagine what that wedding night was like. Ouchy. Her brother is there being a big douche bag, as usual.

Back at Winterfell, seems Bran did not die from his three story fall, which is surprising given the fact that I am pretty sure leeches are the medical miracle of the day. He lies under his fur blankets (Pottery Barn?) with eyes closed, his mother looking on. Boring. Thankfully the next seen is a bunch of dogs in a barn, and who is that laying in the bed of hay - our very own dwarf about town, Tyrion Lannister. He awakes and find his nephew Joffrey looking upon him and saying “A better of lot of bitches than you are used to Uncle?” Oh, what! Tyrion tells Joffrey to pay his respects to the Starks, and he is all “Yeah, no.” But the Tyrion slaps him repeatedly to get his point across. Joffrey is aghast and runs away like the pansy he is. We meet his protector - the Hound. The Hound’s face is partly melted away. You can’t protect someone with a whole face, retards.

Tyrion bounces into the Lannister breakfast where he dazzles his niece and nephew with his wit and crude humor and infuriates his sister Cersei, especially when he brings up the fact that the Stark child is going to survive. Eyes bug. Tyrion sips on his dark ale and explains that he will not be traveling back to Kingsroad, but instead going to see the Wall. Sightseeing! Seems Jon Snow has decided to take the Black - which from I can gather, means you will never have sex again, because you can’t watch a wall and do it.

Cersei makes a bee line for Bran and finds his mother Catelyn, who apologizes for not being appropriately dressed. Thankfully, Cersei understands. She asks how Bran is doing, and then launches in how she lost her son. Because that is exactly what you want to bring up to a mother agonizing over her near death child. How your kid died. But this tale of her son’s death did put Cersei otherwise known as Bitchface into a better light. I guess but she is still the same lady screwing her brother.

There are many goodbyes. Jon to Arya (who gives her a sword). Jon to Bran (I wish I could see you wake up, but I am taking the black!). Jon to Robb (Hugs). Ned to Catelyn (Don’t cheat on me again, asshole). Ned to Jon (I’ll tell you about your mother when we meet again - which may be never).

The King and Ned have lunch and start to remember about the war and the women. It was war, what could we do? Remember that busty lass Bessie? Remember how you had a son with a wench and then brought him home so that your wife would silently hate him? Good times. Then the King gets down to business - Daenerys has wedded Khal Drogo - leader of the Dothraki. The Targaryens are after my thrown. This is proof. And Ned is all, dude, why even worry, that Dothraki don’t even have boats. They have horses and can’t swim. Fucking Kings are so stupid, right? But the King warns that a war is coming. Like I would be watching this show if one wasn't.

Back at Kamp Khal, the Dothraki are whooping it up, eating horse, and probably killing each other. Tired and Horny, Drogo comes in and flips Daenerys around and mounts her accordingly. Who says romance is dead? As Dany winces and cries, she stares at her dragon eggs - which are now in a box surrounded by candles - pretty, pretty dragon eggs take away the pain of honeymoon mischief.

Some guy I don’t know is talking to Catelyn about something (I had taken Nyquil at the beginning of the show). He is all - blah, blah, fire. He runs out, where this hooded man comes in with a knife wanting to kill Bran to put him out of his misery, but Katelyn fights him, her hands on the blades. Then Bran’s direwolf jumps from the window, into the room and basically removes said attacker’s neck and gizzards in bloody gore. Finally, blood!

I then closed my eyes in a Nyquil haze opening them to what I thought was Cinemax. But nope, just Daenerys and her lady helper engaged in showing Dany the ropes when it comes to pleasing Drogo. Seems while other girls at twelve were playing with Barbies and wondering if they truly had a psychic connection to Flintstones episodes (me), others were learning the ways of wooing (Dany’s helper). Interesting, the way to Khal Drogo’s heart, is riding him - just like a horse. You are what you eat it seems.

Joffrey and Sansa are strolling and drinking wine where the stumble upon Arya playing pretend swords with the Butcher’s son. Joffrey is pissed (because of his hair?), and takes it out on the boy while Arya and Sansa look on. As he cuts the boys face, Arya can take it no longer and hits Joffrey. Then Joffrey tries to hit Arya. But oh hell no, Direwolves don’t like people hurting their masters, and Joffrey’s hand is mangled while his sword is thrown into the water by Arya.

Because Joffrey is probably genetically handicapped, he runs to his mom who summons the King and all hell breaks loose. Joffrey wants Arya punished, her dog dead. But the dog ran off at Arya’s bidding, and now Cersei says that Lady, Sansa’s Direwolf, must take the punishment. Because Ned is Ned Stark does not let others do what is his to do, he himself insists on putting Lady down. Meanwhile the Butcher’s son was also taken down by The Hound. More gore, and here I was about to worry.

We don’t see the Direwolf being executed (because beheadings are one thing, direwolves are quite another), but what is this, what do we see next - Bran, with eyes wide opened. I’m back!