Game of Thrones: A Recap

Unlike other recaps that delve into the intrinsic nature of plot and character development, this recap is simply my perspective of the show via a single viewing and while, most likely, drunk. Full disclosure, I have read Game of Thrones and have started the second book A Clash of Kings three times. Because I was either pregnant or nursing Owen, there is little I remember about these books. And let’s face it, fantasy as a genre is not my favorite - probably because I have a 25% chance of pronouncing anything correctly, and reading names like Daenerys over and over causes anxiety. Before proceeding I think we need to make mention of the Game of Thrones fan - I direct you to this: http://www.georgerrmartin.com/fans/index.html. Exactly, so without further ado -

HBO’s Game of Thrones, Episode One: Winter is Coming.

Up goes a gate and there are three men on horses. Horses! They exit through a tunnel carrying torches. Because it is fantasy people, and there is no electricity in fantasy. There are horses, fire, big gates, and fur. All of which is shown in 3.2 seconds. Is this the middle ages? No, its Westeros, a fantasy land created by George RR Martin. FANTASY. Our men exit the tunnel in front of a huge white snow covered imposing wall. Due to the ominous background music, I have deduced that these men are on a search for something most likely of a terrible nature. Our three men separate in the search. A tall lanky blonde blue eyed guy stumbles upon cut up bodies arranged in some sort of cultish symbol, or the murderer is obsessively compulsive. He races back to the others, where he begins to speak in an English accent. Because English accents scream fantasy, although poor choice George RR, because a Boston accent would have killed it. Killed it! Now we have some scuttlebutt because whisper thin Blondie is all - they are dead dude, we gotta go back. His friend, a burley bearded man, agrees. The leader is all - we gotta check it out, because “he” will want to know what happened. Who is this “he?”. I don’t know, but he sounds like an asshole. If I just saw a sculpture of body parts, I would have been all - outy 500 bitches. But Mr. Suck Up needs to impress his boss, so they travel back to the location. And nothing is there. No blood, no dead girl on a tree with weird eyes, and no bodies. Nothing. Basically, he of the cockney accent says “But sir, they were there.” “Oh really! Where are they now?” But then this super tall white half yeti creature appears and with a single blood laden sword swipe takes out the leader. Which is a lesson to all - when someone tells you there are a bunch of cut up body parts in a circle then you should probably not go back to check it out. The other two take off, and yeti gives chase catching up quickly to bearded fat dude, because he’s fat. He lifts his hair and a sweep of his sword decapitates while our blond skinny looks on. Yeti then flings this head so that it rolls up to Blondie with eyes fully opened. Holler bitches! This is Game of Thrones. Fade to black.

Theme Song and Opening Montage. This basically was a map with buildings sprouting up and some weird flutey music. I wanted to jig and/or fast forward.

Our story opens with an errant arrow. We pan to a young boy with bow, the source of many laughs. A man obvious of great power says - and were any of you great marksmen at the age of 10. Everyone becomes silent, because dude just smacked your ass down. There is some chit chat of a somewhat serious nature because of a deserter. Who dat? Dat is blondie, eyes bugged out and speaking all crazy talk of White Walkers (a/k/a the yeti snow giant). Ned Start, leader, must now take care of said deserter the only way he know how - in front of his kids with a giant ass sword. Another beheading is had and this time in daylight. Or fog-light, since you know, winter is coming.

Anyhoo, next some guy is dead. I know this because he is on a slab and has stones on his eyes. I can put two and two together with the best of them. Seems this guy was the Hand of the King, which is seemingly a close advisor. So now the king needs a new advisor - hello Eddard Stark. The King and Ned go way back. Homeys! In fact, the King travels a month to reach Ned in order to woo him into being Hand of the King. Is it me, or does that sound sort of gross and homoerotic? The King travels with his wife (Cersei), his son (Joffrey), her wife’s twin brother (Jaimie) and her other brother a dwarf (Tyrion) and his minions. Ned prepares by getting lots of booze and hookers. This is my kind of party.

The King arrives. Ned, his wife Catelyn and his children - Robb, Sansa, Arya and Bran - bow accordingly. The King calls Ned fat, and they laugh. Just like me and my friend Diane, who is really fat by the way - I don’t care if she gave birth 2 weeks ago. By the way, Ned also has another kid named John Snow - he is a bastard. As in Ned got busy with someone other than his wife. The cad!

The King asks Ned to be his Hand. Ned wavers. The King goes to see Ned’s sister’s grave - whom he really loved because he is all she should be buried atop a hill in a meadow in the sunlight - also he said she should have been his wife. True love people. Ned is all she belongs here, underground in stone. No light for her!

Now begins the boobies. Our next family to meet are the Targaryens (I had to look that up), sister Daenerys and Vicerys. They are the descendents of the former ousted king currently exiled. They have silver hair, and Vicerys takes off his sister’s clothes to examine her “womanly figure” (boobies!) because he is going to marry her off to a savage. The savage is Khal Drogo, leader of the Dothraki. From what I can tell the Dothraki like to fight, drink and have sex. What a wedding. There are intestines gutted and a wedding gift of petrified dragon eggs. And I thought my Kitchen Aid mixer was cool. Then comes the wedding night - Dany crying while Drogo strips and circles her saying “No.” Just like me and John. Ah, memories. Drogo has some impressive man boobies. I told you it was all about the boobs.

Next we meet Tyrion who is a little person, although I don’t’ think there is any political correctness in Westeros, because we are calling one kid a bastard and another one a dwarf. But Tyrion has a big wiener, I know this because when with a whore, he states “It is my only gift from God”. I ask you, why is he called Tyrion and not Tri-pod? Also, he is played by Peter Dinklage. Dink! Is that too much penis humor for you? I don’t think so. Boobs galore in the meeting of Tyrion. He seems to like whores.

Party time. Queen Cersei and Catelyn sit watching the King who is “whoring” and “drinking”. Love him. He is dancing with a wench, then proceeds to make out with said wench in the presence of his queen. How dare he. The queen only flinches. A totally appropriate response. Then there is some discussion about Sansa and Joffrey getting married so that Ned and the King will become one big happy arranged marriage family. Sansa is pretty annoying, but this Joffrey guy looks a bit genetically challenged. Which is funny, because what do we find out at the end of this episode? Cersie and her twin brother totally going at it, to which Bran (climbing the castle wall) has the unfortunate accident of discovering, because (1) incest is gross and (2) Jamie shoves him out the window.

And there you have it - Game of Thrones, Episode One: Winter is Coming a/k/a Beheadings, Boobies and Let’s Kill a 10 year old - oh my!