Game of Thrones, Episode 3: Lord Snow

This episode was mainly divided between scenes at Kingsroad, The Wall and what I imagine the field in which Holden Caulfield was catching children a/k/a Dothraki Nation. The only thing from Winterfell was some scary shit about Winter. When they say Winter is coming in Westeros, they don’t mean four months of rain (San Francisco) or snow (Boston), but years and years of darkness, 100 foot snow mounds, White Walkers and spiders the size of horses (what the heck George RR, your name ain’t JK Rowling). Winter is some serious business, some serious scary business. I know this because Bran’s eyes are about to bug out of his head before Robb interrupts and asks Scary Story Old Lady to leave.

The Starks arrive at Kingsroad. Ned is beat. Killing direwolves and being the King’s Hand is tiring. Especially since Jaime has informed that the “King shits, the Hand wipes.” So I guess this makes me the Hand of Owen and Maggie. Ned has his first official HOK meeting where he learns that the kingdom is debt - six million smackaroos to the Lannisters. King Robert is in trouble. But he does not realize it because he just pretty much drinks a ton of wine, talk about the old times of killing and war, and makes fun of the Lannisters - who you know, own his throne. We meet Littlefinger - who right away I know is up to no good as he was Carcetti in the Wire for god sake. Also, I was unable to see if he had an actual little finger, or if that was euphuism for something else - heh heh. Which may be the case, because when Catelyn arrives incognito by wearing a kerchief on her head, Littlefinger hides her in one of his whorehouses. It is there, that Varys, the Perez Hilton of Westeros, informs all that he knows what happened at Winterfell, and where is the sword, and I have birds everywhere, and Tom Cruise is totally gay. The sword turns out to have belonged to Littlefinger, who lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister. Those blonde bastards! Ned and Catelyn meet, kiss, talk shit about the Lannisters, and then he says “Off with you.” Which I need to use more, especially when I am annoyed, want people to leave and goodbye seems too nice. “Off with you!”

Up north, where Winter is actually starting to come, snow is falling and everyone is hovering over fires. Read, it is cold. The men of the wall are not so good - no food, no weapons, old men, rapists, thieves, and the poor of society. Basically, a motley group of people who are totally going to be White Walkered (see beheaded, torn apart and arranged like crop circles). Jon is a bit pissed. He kicks the crap out of all his wall-mates, and makes a point of saying that his Dad knew about this and still allowed him to join in order to waste his life (not to mention his penis). The ass kickees take revenge by cornering and attempting to kill Jon. Tyrion enters and makes it all better. He informs Jon that you can’t go be beating the crap out of the men you are spending the rest of your life with, especially since that guy over there stole bread for his starving sister, and that one Dad’s died and you are a bastard after all. So stop being a douche bag, and make some friends. Jon heeds Tyrion’s message, and begins to teach the others how to sword fight. Tyrion makes a new friend as well, drinking wine and eating bear balls (surprisingly, chewy). Then he makes fun of Benjen for believing in the boogeyman and pees off the wall - bucket list check!

Meanwhile the traveling Dothraki continue their journey. I am guessing they are actually going somewhere, but who knows. Daenerys has decided to forgo prom wear for MC Hammer pants and a belly bearing top. She is getting use to her powers of the Kahleesi. She can stop the entire parade of horses and men to take a walk. Her brother, Viserys, however, is all “Ah, hello, I am in the King of the Seven Realms (and awful hair) and what right do you have to command me, to stop, you slut.” As he tried to hit her, a whip comes around his neck from the Kahleesi’s protector and he is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. As he chokes for breath, Dany orders him to be released. But she now knows the power she holds. Viserys is made to walk the rest of the way, sucks for him. We learn that Daenerys is pregnant, a gift fro the Great Stallion. Not sure if this is a god or a pet name for Kahl Drogo, either of which fits. Again we see the dragon eggs - pink, lavender and purple in their box, with candle fire all around. It’s almost at this point they should have their own theme song - like Billy Joe’s We Didn’t Start the Fire.

We end with our lady Arya learning to sword fight from Syrio Forel. Or dance as he calls it. He also calls Arya a boy, and refers to himself in the first person 2/3rds of the time. I like him. And there is a certain beauty to the dance, while Ned looks on. This episode showed us much, the stories are drawing nearer to one another - and there will be a baby. This might prove problematic to me, since I pretty much wince every time I see pregnant women. Post traumatic stress disorder, but for you, dear readers, I will suffer through.