Game of Thrones Recap - Episode 4

Sorry, I have been busy. When Episode 4 aired, I was up that Sunday morning at 3:30 a.m. suffering an allergy attack. I guess you could call it that, but to me it felt as if my brain was being taken from my nose via coat hanger ala mummification. So when 8:00 p.m. rolled around, I was in a daze, and feel asleep really, really fast. Then it was the week of preschool hell all thankfully resolved before our trip to Las Vegas sans kids. I love Vegas. I love the weather, the heat, the fact I read under a palm tree uninterrupted except to sip my frozen drink for five hours straight and that lots of people there are really overweight and I felt thin. Better than winning the slots any day.

Episode Four - Cripples Bastards and Broken Things

At Winterfell. Bran can walk! Psyche, it’s a dream. Bran can’t walk, and is carried around by this guy named Hodor - who is a bald Andre the Giant who can only say Hodor. Tryion stops by on his way to Kings Landing, and is refused a bed. But being the swell imp that he is still gives Bran is Leonardo Di Vinci-esque crippled horse saddle diagram so he can ride again. He goes to the brothel, but before he speaks to Greyjoy who I guess was like the Starks and the Lannisters, but his family led an uprising against the King and got the smackdown so now he is Ned’s ward and likes this whore named Rose. Who he recommends to Tyrion.

At the Wall. More sword play, but then a fat guy named Sam shows up. Dude, this is not the Biggest Loser. Everyone hates Piggie, but not John. He tells them leave Sam alone, and they do with the help of Ghost his direwolf. Sam says he is a coward, and a loser, and a virgin. John says he is a virgin too, but he had a chance once with a whore once named Rose with really good boobies. Rose gets a ton of play it seems.

At the Horse Camp. They finally arrive and we are treated (or scarred) by the image of Viserys in a bath with Dany’s sex mentor. They talk about dragons, and launch into a Skinnemaxy scene, until (surprise!) Viserys gets pissed off. Still pissed off he goes to Dany and yells about being the true king, and respect me and slap, slap, slap. But Dany is the Kahlessi. She finally stands up to her brother, and states if you use you hand against me again, it will be the last time you have hands. Holler, girlfriend.

At Kings Landing. Ned is checking into the previous Hand’s doings before his death and discovers that he is checking out the lineage of the King. And he discovers a bastard of King Roberts, one of many it seems. But none of this matters, because we meet this guy called the Mountain who is the Hound’s brother. And during the first joust, the Mountain totally takes out the previous hand’s squire donning a super new (and expensive) armor in bloody, spurty gore. We also learn that when the Mountain and Hound were boys (and hating their mom for their names) the Hound took the Mountain’s toy. The Mountain, a chipper lad it seems, retaliated by taking the Hound’s face and placing it into the still hot coals of a fire melting his younger brother’s face. And let this be a lesson to you all, don’t EVER take my wine.

The episode ends with Tyrion discovering Kathryn on the road. Capes with hoods are not the way to go when wanting to be anonymous guys. Kathryn calls on this guy and that guy and this other guy and says that Tyrion tried to murder her 10 year old son, and she needs their help. So fifty swords are drawn on little wee Tyrion Lannister. A little much, eh?

Tomorrow - Episode Five.