Its Night Night Time.

I have mentioned before that after John reads stories to Owen, I go in where we do pseudo yoga (breathing, humming, and stretching) and talk about our day. Owen has been on a nap strike at preschool which means that his stories with John last about 4 minutes before he is well under the veil of sleep. It seems that his strike is over, so once again we get to delve into the mind of a four year old. Yippee. Last night’s conversation began with the letter of the day, which was “S”. For socks, as Owen was clear to point out. Owen also likes to sing his ABCs in the style of Super Why while also counting them on his hands. “Use both your hands Mama.” He then proceeded to name all the stickers on his bed various family names and school friends names and then he said “Good job everybody. Thank you for listening.” After that Owen asked me if I wanted to play Elephant in the Jungle. What? Okay, I said, but I don’t know how to play. So we go under his covers, and he starts rolling imaginary dice saying there is a happy face, there is a star. I win. Then, how does one say this delicately, he was visiting his twigs and berries. I have told Owen repeatedly that his private parts are his private parts and only he touches them. Last night he goes, “I am touching my balls, Mama.” And I am all, “Touching your testicles. Testicles.” I do this because that is what you do today. There are no more terms like “dinkey” and “nuts”, it is penis and testicles. If nothing, our children will be adequately prepared for health class unlike me who after attending of Catholic school for 8 years went to public school and watched a cartoon of gonorrhea and chlamydia attacking people in absolute horror. Honestly, it is amazing I even have kids. But as Owen sat “exploring”, I told him that is fine to do that, but it is a private thing that you do at home. Because masturbation is now fine too and does not make you blind. Who knew? As he lay, he said to me “Mama, I am playing with my balls. I am rolling my dice! My dice!” And yes, I have not stopped laughing.

Game of Thrones Episode Six - The Wolf and The Lion

This Game of Thrones episode should have been entitled “The Boob and The Eye”, that is because the two most terrifying moments for me involved a seven year old boy sucking the tit of his mother and the fact that a sword was stabbed into the eye of a man causing his immediate death. Icky on both accounts, one more than other. Seriously, I can handle a maximum of 18 months of boob feeding by mothers because after that, you are just laying the bricks for years of intensive therapy. Just nurse him until 18, home school him and then enter him in the Scripps Spelling Bee already, thereby securing the fact he is a virgin for life and maybe a serial killer.

Basically this enter episode is centered at King’s Landing. King Robert wants Dany dead. Ned is done being the Hand. Tyrion is held prisoner by Kathryn who brings him to her sister - she of the suckled tit. And this lady is CAH-razy. Whackadoo is too kind of a word. Tyrion is forced prisoner in a room with a view - as in a room with no wall on one side, just your death. Windy!

The best scene for me was the conversation between Robert and Cersie, in which they drink wine and Cersei asks about Ned’s sister, the once in a lifetime love of King Robert. And Robert, says, “I don’t even remember what she looks like.”, but she was mine and was taken from me. Cersie in a vulnerable moment says that she did at one time love him, right after the death of their first son. And she asks, if there was “Ever hope for us.” To which King Robert answers an emphatic, ‘No.” Which goes to show you, guys are awesome.

Ned quits the Hand of the King, obviously finally being exposed to “The King Shits, the Hand wipes.” He knows there is something up with the King’s bastards aplenty, what could it be? Well given the fact that Jamie and his sister Cersei were humping Episode 1 and Joffrey is blond and a bit off, I would say perhaps, maybe, King’s Robert son is not Joffrey. But I can put two and two together.

Anyway things are in flux - Tyrion is held by Kathryn, Ned is now held by the Lannisters, my brain has been permanently damaged by the sight of a grade schooler saying “mummy” while suckling on his crazy ass mother and its Friday. So there you have it. I will be back on Monday with Game of Thrones Episode Six. If I can stay awake. This show is like fucking Unisom for me.

Game of Thrones Recap - Episode 4

Sorry, I have been busy. When Episode 4 aired, I was up that Sunday morning at 3:30 a.m. suffering an allergy attack. I guess you could call it that, but to me it felt as if my brain was being taken from my nose via coat hanger ala mummification. So when 8:00 p.m. rolled around, I was in a daze, and feel asleep really, really fast. Then it was the week of preschool hell all thankfully resolved before our trip to Las Vegas sans kids. I love Vegas. I love the weather, the heat, the fact I read under a palm tree uninterrupted except to sip my frozen drink for five hours straight and that lots of people there are really overweight and I felt thin. Better than winning the slots any day.

Episode Four - Cripples Bastards and Broken Things

At Winterfell. Bran can walk! Psyche, it’s a dream. Bran can’t walk, and is carried around by this guy named Hodor - who is a bald Andre the Giant who can only say Hodor. Tryion stops by on his way to Kings Landing, and is refused a bed. But being the swell imp that he is still gives Bran is Leonardo Di Vinci-esque crippled horse saddle diagram so he can ride again. He goes to the brothel, but before he speaks to Greyjoy who I guess was like the Starks and the Lannisters, but his family led an uprising against the King and got the smackdown so now he is Ned’s ward and likes this whore named Rose. Who he recommends to Tyrion.

At the Wall. More sword play, but then a fat guy named Sam shows up. Dude, this is not the Biggest Loser. Everyone hates Piggie, but not John. He tells them leave Sam alone, and they do with the help of Ghost his direwolf. Sam says he is a coward, and a loser, and a virgin. John says he is a virgin too, but he had a chance once with a whore once named Rose with really good boobies. Rose gets a ton of play it seems.

At the Horse Camp. They finally arrive and we are treated (or scarred) by the image of Viserys in a bath with Dany’s sex mentor. They talk about dragons, and launch into a Skinnemaxy scene, until (surprise!) Viserys gets pissed off. Still pissed off he goes to Dany and yells about being the true king, and respect me and slap, slap, slap. But Dany is the Kahlessi. She finally stands up to her brother, and states if you use you hand against me again, it will be the last time you have hands. Holler, girlfriend.

At Kings Landing. Ned is checking into the previous Hand’s doings before his death and discovers that he is checking out the lineage of the King. And he discovers a bastard of King Roberts, one of many it seems. But none of this matters, because we meet this guy called the Mountain who is the Hound’s brother. And during the first joust, the Mountain totally takes out the previous hand’s squire donning a super new (and expensive) armor in bloody, spurty gore. We also learn that when the Mountain and Hound were boys (and hating their mom for their names) the Hound took the Mountain’s toy. The Mountain, a chipper lad it seems, retaliated by taking the Hound’s face and placing it into the still hot coals of a fire melting his younger brother’s face. And let this be a lesson to you all, don’t EVER take my wine.

The episode ends with Tyrion discovering Kathryn on the road. Capes with hoods are not the way to go when wanting to be anonymous guys. Kathryn calls on this guy and that guy and this other guy and says that Tyrion tried to murder her 10 year old son, and she needs their help. So fifty swords are drawn on little wee Tyrion Lannister. A little much, eh?

Tomorrow - Episode Five.

Game of Thrones, Episode 3: Lord Snow

This episode was mainly divided between scenes at Kingsroad, The Wall and what I imagine the field in which Holden Caulfield was catching children a/k/a Dothraki Nation. The only thing from Winterfell was some scary shit about Winter. When they say Winter is coming in Westeros, they don’t mean four months of rain (San Francisco) or snow (Boston), but years and years of darkness, 100 foot snow mounds, White Walkers and spiders the size of horses (what the heck George RR, your name ain’t JK Rowling). Winter is some serious business, some serious scary business. I know this because Bran’s eyes are about to bug out of his head before Robb interrupts and asks Scary Story Old Lady to leave.

The Starks arrive at Kingsroad. Ned is beat. Killing direwolves and being the King’s Hand is tiring. Especially since Jaime has informed that the “King shits, the Hand wipes.” So I guess this makes me the Hand of Owen and Maggie. Ned has his first official HOK meeting where he learns that the kingdom is debt - six million smackaroos to the Lannisters. King Robert is in trouble. But he does not realize it because he just pretty much drinks a ton of wine, talk about the old times of killing and war, and makes fun of the Lannisters - who you know, own his throne. We meet Littlefinger - who right away I know is up to no good as he was Carcetti in the Wire for god sake. Also, I was unable to see if he had an actual little finger, or if that was euphuism for something else - heh heh. Which may be the case, because when Catelyn arrives incognito by wearing a kerchief on her head, Littlefinger hides her in one of his whorehouses. It is there, that Varys, the Perez Hilton of Westeros, informs all that he knows what happened at Winterfell, and where is the sword, and I have birds everywhere, and Tom Cruise is totally gay. The sword turns out to have belonged to Littlefinger, who lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister. Those blonde bastards! Ned and Catelyn meet, kiss, talk shit about the Lannisters, and then he says “Off with you.” Which I need to use more, especially when I am annoyed, want people to leave and goodbye seems too nice. “Off with you!”

Up north, where Winter is actually starting to come, snow is falling and everyone is hovering over fires. Read, it is cold. The men of the wall are not so good - no food, no weapons, old men, rapists, thieves, and the poor of society. Basically, a motley group of people who are totally going to be White Walkered (see beheaded, torn apart and arranged like crop circles). Jon is a bit pissed. He kicks the crap out of all his wall-mates, and makes a point of saying that his Dad knew about this and still allowed him to join in order to waste his life (not to mention his penis). The ass kickees take revenge by cornering and attempting to kill Jon. Tyrion enters and makes it all better. He informs Jon that you can’t go be beating the crap out of the men you are spending the rest of your life with, especially since that guy over there stole bread for his starving sister, and that one Dad’s died and you are a bastard after all. So stop being a douche bag, and make some friends. Jon heeds Tyrion’s message, and begins to teach the others how to sword fight. Tyrion makes a new friend as well, drinking wine and eating bear balls (surprisingly, chewy). Then he makes fun of Benjen for believing in the boogeyman and pees off the wall - bucket list check!

Meanwhile the traveling Dothraki continue their journey. I am guessing they are actually going somewhere, but who knows. Daenerys has decided to forgo prom wear for MC Hammer pants and a belly bearing top. She is getting use to her powers of the Kahleesi. She can stop the entire parade of horses and men to take a walk. Her brother, Viserys, however, is all “Ah, hello, I am in the King of the Seven Realms (and awful hair) and what right do you have to command me, to stop, you slut.” As he tried to hit her, a whip comes around his neck from the Kahleesi’s protector and he is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. As he chokes for breath, Dany orders him to be released. But she now knows the power she holds. Viserys is made to walk the rest of the way, sucks for him. We learn that Daenerys is pregnant, a gift fro the Great Stallion. Not sure if this is a god or a pet name for Kahl Drogo, either of which fits. Again we see the dragon eggs - pink, lavender and purple in their box, with candle fire all around. It’s almost at this point they should have their own theme song - like Billy Joe’s We Didn’t Start the Fire.

We end with our lady Arya learning to sword fight from Syrio Forel. Or dance as he calls it. He also calls Arya a boy, and refers to himself in the first person 2/3rds of the time. I like him. And there is a certain beauty to the dance, while Ned looks on. This episode showed us much, the stories are drawing nearer to one another - and there will be a baby. This might prove problematic to me, since I pretty much wince every time I see pregnant women. Post traumatic stress disorder, but for you, dear readers, I will suffer through.