The Tomboys Guide to Pregnancy and Parenting: Breastfeeding

As promised, this week we delve into the topic of breastfeeding. I breastfed Owen and Maggie each for 11.5 months, then gave them milk. Why did I breastfeed? Yes, there are the immunological benefits and the supposed high IQ but truthfully have you people seen the price of formula? Holy god. While pregnant, I bought a book about breastfeeding. I got through the first chapter which was touting the benefits, the bonding, and the ballyhoo for you before putting it down. First and foremost, formula is not poison. I was raised on formula. More than likely, you, of the stink eye towards formula feeding mothers, were too. Not all of us can do it, not all of us want to do it. Also, I am pretty sure parents who give their children formula bond. I mean, my mother (formula giver) showed up on my doorstep last week as a surprise from Boston and I started crying happily and hugging her. I know, totally embarrassing. But the point is we bonded. As have probably 99.99% of the women giving formula to their kids during the first year of life. Nursing was easy for me. I did not have the trials and tribulations that plague others. Meaning that these ginormous knockers I carry around, that were responsible for a baseball size growth on my shoulder to be surgically excised, actually had some fucking purpose. I went with the mindset try it, see how it goes, and go with what feels right. Never would I ever feel guilty about not breastfeeding my child. I don’t get that guilt, or the mindset. Who the hell cares what you feed your kid as long as it is not lead paint or rat poison or mayonnaise (seriously, that stuff is so awful to look at). Another thing, why is it when you tell people that your kids were not formula fed you get congratulated? Good for you, wow. That is so great. Why the hell give me a sash and crown just because I had kids on my titties for a combined 23 months. If anything, look at my boobs and say - wow, after all that they still hover high. And then I will wink, and say “Dude, seriously, thank god for underwire.” We need to get over the breastfed mommas are superior attitude. Although we are superior in artful ways to conceal our boobs in public with a baby and cloak. This brings me to another point, if you are nursing in public, please hide your boobies. I once was in the Ferry Building walking when my eyes stumbled upon this earth mother with blue vein etched boobs displayed with suckling seemingly six year hold child attached. It’s the god damn Ferry Building for God’s sake; I want to taste free samples, not vomit. Gross. In conclusion, breast feeders and formula feeders, we are all the same thing - people in dire need of a good night’s sleep and a bottle of wine. Don’t feel bad about your choice, or judging of another’s choice. We all want what is best for our kids, and it is up to us to figure out what that “best” comprises.