Movie Review: Wanted

Let it be known that as a mother of an 18 month old, my trips to the movie theater have taken a horrid tumble. Last Saturday due to the blessing of babysitting grandparents, John and I took ourselves to the movies. Our choices were: Get Smart, Wanted and Wall-E. Now Wall-E is a kid’s movie, and since I have a kid, I figured, let’s be adult. So that left Get Smart and Wanted. Now, I loved the old Get Smart, and I love Steve Carrell, but those two shan’t be together in my mind. The only Maxwell Smart is Don Adams, and the only Agent 99 is Barbara Feldon. Nuff said. So that left Wanted. Did you know that Wanted has gotten really good reviews? Well it has. Honestly, I had no clue what it was about. So imagine my surprise when before the movie began the following appeared on the screen in written text:

1000 years ago, a Secret Society of Weavers created a group of assassins called the Fraternity.

A fucking secret society of WEAVERS. WEAVERS!!!! Now, when I think of assassin I think of ninjas, the CIA and Lee Harvey Oswald, I do not think of a group of weavers. I decided to forget about this stupid weaver thing and enjoy the film. And I did, until the following occurred: Morgan Freeman informs James McAvoy how it is that they receive the names of people to assassinate. Okay then. Morgan leads him into a room, and there they stand among a loom. But this is not any loom people, it is THE LOOM OF FATE. Yeah, Morgan Freeman just seriously uttered the words “The Loom of Fate.” You see folks, The Loom of Fate weaves and at some point it will have a double stitch - so if the stitch is on top, it is a zero, on the bottom a one. This binary code yields the name of the person to be assassinated. Again, why don’t we all say it together “The Loom of Fate.” Needless to say, John and I were laughing. You know who else was laughing? No one. You know why, because well the rest of the audience actually must have thought that a loom of fate was a plausible storyline. It would have been better if a secret society of dog walkers had a talking dog. That I would have easily accepted, as opposed to this secret society of weavers protecting The Loom of Fate that gives binary code of people to assassinate.

This movie sucked total balls. I would say it even sucked Donkey Balls. It was like Fight Club for the recipients of frontal lobotomies. I should have seen Wall-E.