Yesterday on Twitter, I posted the following:
If ever in doubt as to the term "delusional", just take a gander at the furniture on Craigslist, and the price being asked.
— cassiemccall (@cassiemccall)
August 14, 2013
Since I have promised to myself that I will write in this blog, again with renewed diligence, I present to you: The Lies Craigslist Tells Me.
First up, a VINTAGE OVERSTUFFED CHENILLE OTTOMAN. ''ROMANTIC SHABBY DECOR'' - $89 (novato). Whoa, that sounds cheap? 89 bux for vintage chenille ottoman? And Romantic Shabby? What could that mean? Well, it means this:
I don't know about you, but that does not to me present as "romantic shabby". Torn, beat up and baby poop green, yes. Shabby, not so much.
One thing I have noticed living in the Bay Area (aside from the god forsaken hippies) is the people here love to put concrete lions around their homes. It is pretty rampant. If you too seek the roaring threat of a concrete lion - Handsome pair lions for your garden / driveway - $375 (san rafael):
I mean, these guys are "handsome", but also pretty ferocious, especially this one:
It is almost like he is saying - "You better think before you ring that bell asshole." But is $375 is too much to scare a Jehovah's Witness. Also, please someone, what the heck is up with the lions in the Bay Area. Although I don't even know why I'm judging considering every other front yard in the Greater Boston area has the Virgin Mary sandwiched in half of a bathtub. Doesn't the mother of Jesus deserve better than this?
For those in need of outdoor furniture may I present: Antique White metal Garden Table & 4 Chairs - $400 (novato)
Never mind "table has no top." Or the fact that your ass would fall through the slats.
Those willing to furnishing their "summer house" - Summer House Sofa and Armchair - $749 (san rafael)
Exactly whose "summer house" is this sofa and chair set going into? John Wayne Gacy? Nothing screams summer than the death pallor gray velveteen.
French Linen Slipcovered Stool - $150 (sonoma). This here is a "charming, French linen slipcovered stool with extraordinary detail--buttons and trim. Perfect condition, from a decorator's own home. 16" tall, 19" wide and 13" deep." From a decorator's home, people:
Those into country things - Rustic Farmhouse Cabin Small green Wood Shelf - $10 (healdsburg / windsor)
This is green painted 2x4s and plywood. The fact that one would go to the trouble to post this (with 6 photos total, no less) all for $10 dollars is just awesome. I imagine said person refreshing their e-mail inbox diligently with hope and promise only to have no response. And their rustic farmhouse eyes brimming with tears of what could be.
And there you have it - delusion in the form of Craigslist's Furniture Section, as opposed to its most known delusional spot - the personal ads. Let us all take away the following, (1) "shabby" means ripped, (2) "antique" means beat up, (3) rustic farmhouse means crap and (4) the Virgin Mary deserves better than a bathtub.
