Game of Thrones Episode Six - The Wolf and The Lion

This Game of Thrones episode should have been entitled “The Boob and The Eye”, that is because the two most terrifying moments for me involved a seven year old boy sucking the tit of his mother and the fact that a sword was stabbed into the eye of a man causing his immediate death. Icky on both accounts, one more than other. Seriously, I can handle a maximum of 18 months of boob feeding by mothers because after that, you are just laying the bricks for years of intensive therapy. Just nurse him until 18, home school him and then enter him in the Scripps Spelling Bee already, thereby securing the fact he is a virgin for life and maybe a serial killer.

Basically this enter episode is centered at King’s Landing. King Robert wants Dany dead. Ned is done being the Hand. Tyrion is held prisoner by Kathryn who brings him to her sister - she of the suckled tit. And this lady is CAH-razy. Whackadoo is too kind of a word. Tyrion is forced prisoner in a room with a view - as in a room with no wall on one side, just your death. Windy!

The best scene for me was the conversation between Robert and Cersie, in which they drink wine and Cersei asks about Ned’s sister, the once in a lifetime love of King Robert. And Robert, says, “I don’t even remember what she looks like.”, but she was mine and was taken from me. Cersie in a vulnerable moment says that she did at one time love him, right after the death of their first son. And she asks, if there was “Ever hope for us.” To which King Robert answers an emphatic, ‘No.” Which goes to show you, guys are awesome.

Ned quits the Hand of the King, obviously finally being exposed to “The King Shits, the Hand wipes.” He knows there is something up with the King’s bastards aplenty, what could it be? Well given the fact that Jamie and his sister Cersei were humping Episode 1 and Joffrey is blond and a bit off, I would say perhaps, maybe, King’s Robert son is not Joffrey. But I can put two and two together.

Anyway things are in flux - Tyrion is held by Kathryn, Ned is now held by the Lannisters, my brain has been permanently damaged by the sight of a grade schooler saying “mummy” while suckling on his crazy ass mother and its Friday. So there you have it. I will be back on Monday with Game of Thrones Episode Six. If I can stay awake. This show is like fucking Unisom for me.

Game of Thrones Recap - Episode 4

Sorry, I have been busy. When Episode 4 aired, I was up that Sunday morning at 3:30 a.m. suffering an allergy attack. I guess you could call it that, but to me it felt as if my brain was being taken from my nose via coat hanger ala mummification. So when 8:00 p.m. rolled around, I was in a daze, and feel asleep really, really fast. Then it was the week of preschool hell all thankfully resolved before our trip to Las Vegas sans kids. I love Vegas. I love the weather, the heat, the fact I read under a palm tree uninterrupted except to sip my frozen drink for five hours straight and that lots of people there are really overweight and I felt thin. Better than winning the slots any day.

Episode Four - Cripples Bastards and Broken Things

At Winterfell. Bran can walk! Psyche, it’s a dream. Bran can’t walk, and is carried around by this guy named Hodor - who is a bald Andre the Giant who can only say Hodor. Tryion stops by on his way to Kings Landing, and is refused a bed. But being the swell imp that he is still gives Bran is Leonardo Di Vinci-esque crippled horse saddle diagram so he can ride again. He goes to the brothel, but before he speaks to Greyjoy who I guess was like the Starks and the Lannisters, but his family led an uprising against the King and got the smackdown so now he is Ned’s ward and likes this whore named Rose. Who he recommends to Tyrion.

At the Wall. More sword play, but then a fat guy named Sam shows up. Dude, this is not the Biggest Loser. Everyone hates Piggie, but not John. He tells them leave Sam alone, and they do with the help of Ghost his direwolf. Sam says he is a coward, and a loser, and a virgin. John says he is a virgin too, but he had a chance once with a whore once named Rose with really good boobies. Rose gets a ton of play it seems.

At the Horse Camp. They finally arrive and we are treated (or scarred) by the image of Viserys in a bath with Dany’s sex mentor. They talk about dragons, and launch into a Skinnemaxy scene, until (surprise!) Viserys gets pissed off. Still pissed off he goes to Dany and yells about being the true king, and respect me and slap, slap, slap. But Dany is the Kahlessi. She finally stands up to her brother, and states if you use you hand against me again, it will be the last time you have hands. Holler, girlfriend.

At Kings Landing. Ned is checking into the previous Hand’s doings before his death and discovers that he is checking out the lineage of the King. And he discovers a bastard of King Roberts, one of many it seems. But none of this matters, because we meet this guy called the Mountain who is the Hound’s brother. And during the first joust, the Mountain totally takes out the previous hand’s squire donning a super new (and expensive) armor in bloody, spurty gore. We also learn that when the Mountain and Hound were boys (and hating their mom for their names) the Hound took the Mountain’s toy. The Mountain, a chipper lad it seems, retaliated by taking the Hound’s face and placing it into the still hot coals of a fire melting his younger brother’s face. And let this be a lesson to you all, don’t EVER take my wine.

The episode ends with Tyrion discovering Kathryn on the road. Capes with hoods are not the way to go when wanting to be anonymous guys. Kathryn calls on this guy and that guy and this other guy and says that Tyrion tried to murder her 10 year old son, and she needs their help. So fifty swords are drawn on little wee Tyrion Lannister. A little much, eh?

Tomorrow - Episode Five.

Game of Thrones, Episode 3: Lord Snow

This episode was mainly divided between scenes at Kingsroad, The Wall and what I imagine the field in which Holden Caulfield was catching children a/k/a Dothraki Nation. The only thing from Winterfell was some scary shit about Winter. When they say Winter is coming in Westeros, they don’t mean four months of rain (San Francisco) or snow (Boston), but years and years of darkness, 100 foot snow mounds, White Walkers and spiders the size of horses (what the heck George RR, your name ain’t JK Rowling). Winter is some serious business, some serious scary business. I know this because Bran’s eyes are about to bug out of his head before Robb interrupts and asks Scary Story Old Lady to leave.

The Starks arrive at Kingsroad. Ned is beat. Killing direwolves and being the King’s Hand is tiring. Especially since Jaime has informed that the “King shits, the Hand wipes.” So I guess this makes me the Hand of Owen and Maggie. Ned has his first official HOK meeting where he learns that the kingdom is debt - six million smackaroos to the Lannisters. King Robert is in trouble. But he does not realize it because he just pretty much drinks a ton of wine, talk about the old times of killing and war, and makes fun of the Lannisters - who you know, own his throne. We meet Littlefinger - who right away I know is up to no good as he was Carcetti in the Wire for god sake. Also, I was unable to see if he had an actual little finger, or if that was euphuism for something else - heh heh. Which may be the case, because when Catelyn arrives incognito by wearing a kerchief on her head, Littlefinger hides her in one of his whorehouses. It is there, that Varys, the Perez Hilton of Westeros, informs all that he knows what happened at Winterfell, and where is the sword, and I have birds everywhere, and Tom Cruise is totally gay. The sword turns out to have belonged to Littlefinger, who lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister. Those blonde bastards! Ned and Catelyn meet, kiss, talk shit about the Lannisters, and then he says “Off with you.” Which I need to use more, especially when I am annoyed, want people to leave and goodbye seems too nice. “Off with you!”

Up north, where Winter is actually starting to come, snow is falling and everyone is hovering over fires. Read, it is cold. The men of the wall are not so good - no food, no weapons, old men, rapists, thieves, and the poor of society. Basically, a motley group of people who are totally going to be White Walkered (see beheaded, torn apart and arranged like crop circles). Jon is a bit pissed. He kicks the crap out of all his wall-mates, and makes a point of saying that his Dad knew about this and still allowed him to join in order to waste his life (not to mention his penis). The ass kickees take revenge by cornering and attempting to kill Jon. Tyrion enters and makes it all better. He informs Jon that you can’t go be beating the crap out of the men you are spending the rest of your life with, especially since that guy over there stole bread for his starving sister, and that one Dad’s died and you are a bastard after all. So stop being a douche bag, and make some friends. Jon heeds Tyrion’s message, and begins to teach the others how to sword fight. Tyrion makes a new friend as well, drinking wine and eating bear balls (surprisingly, chewy). Then he makes fun of Benjen for believing in the boogeyman and pees off the wall - bucket list check!

Meanwhile the traveling Dothraki continue their journey. I am guessing they are actually going somewhere, but who knows. Daenerys has decided to forgo prom wear for MC Hammer pants and a belly bearing top. She is getting use to her powers of the Kahleesi. She can stop the entire parade of horses and men to take a walk. Her brother, Viserys, however, is all “Ah, hello, I am in the King of the Seven Realms (and awful hair) and what right do you have to command me, to stop, you slut.” As he tried to hit her, a whip comes around his neck from the Kahleesi’s protector and he is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. As he chokes for breath, Dany orders him to be released. But she now knows the power she holds. Viserys is made to walk the rest of the way, sucks for him. We learn that Daenerys is pregnant, a gift fro the Great Stallion. Not sure if this is a god or a pet name for Kahl Drogo, either of which fits. Again we see the dragon eggs - pink, lavender and purple in their box, with candle fire all around. It’s almost at this point they should have their own theme song - like Billy Joe’s We Didn’t Start the Fire.

We end with our lady Arya learning to sword fight from Syrio Forel. Or dance as he calls it. He also calls Arya a boy, and refers to himself in the first person 2/3rds of the time. I like him. And there is a certain beauty to the dance, while Ned looks on. This episode showed us much, the stories are drawing nearer to one another - and there will be a baby. This might prove problematic to me, since I pretty much wince every time I see pregnant women. Post traumatic stress disorder, but for you, dear readers, I will suffer through.

Game of Thrones - Episode Two, The Kingsroad

Before launching into my recap of Game of Thrones Episode Two, in my last recap I forgot to mention that during the first episode each of the Ned’s children, including Bastard Jon Snow, received a direwolf. Direwolves in Westeros are like regular ole grey wolves in North America. Originally they were to be killed as their mother was dead, but them someone said, “But the Direwolf is the symbol on the Stark crest.” I wish the symbol on the McInnis/McCall family crest was Jameson Irish Whiskey, to know that I could never pass it by without taking it into my awaiting arms. Heaven.

We open on a whole lot of horses walking in a line. Horses like line dances, I know this from cowboys. Seems the Dothraki are nomadic. Daenerys looks at them wearing a lovely sheer gown. When I am on a horse, traveling with savages, I too like to look pretty. She is given something to eat by Jorah and she says “Isn’t there anything else”. What comes first the bitch or the queen? She is told that the Dothraki have an abundance of grass and horses, and people can’t live on grass. Tell that to San Francisco, Jorah! They come to camp and poor Daenerys can’t walk. Is it the horse ride, or the fact that her King is eight feet tall and makes Conan the Barbarian feel fat so I can imagine what that wedding night was like. Ouchy. Her brother is there being a big douche bag, as usual.

Back at Winterfell, seems Bran did not die from his three story fall, which is surprising given the fact that I am pretty sure leeches are the medical miracle of the day. He lies under his fur blankets (Pottery Barn?) with eyes closed, his mother looking on. Boring. Thankfully the next seen is a bunch of dogs in a barn, and who is that laying in the bed of hay - our very own dwarf about town, Tyrion Lannister. He awakes and find his nephew Joffrey looking upon him and saying “A better of lot of bitches than you are used to Uncle?” Oh, what! Tyrion tells Joffrey to pay his respects to the Starks, and he is all “Yeah, no.” But the Tyrion slaps him repeatedly to get his point across. Joffrey is aghast and runs away like the pansy he is. We meet his protector - the Hound. The Hound’s face is partly melted away. You can’t protect someone with a whole face, retards.

Tyrion bounces into the Lannister breakfast where he dazzles his niece and nephew with his wit and crude humor and infuriates his sister Cersei, especially when he brings up the fact that the Stark child is going to survive. Eyes bug. Tyrion sips on his dark ale and explains that he will not be traveling back to Kingsroad, but instead going to see the Wall. Sightseeing! Seems Jon Snow has decided to take the Black - which from I can gather, means you will never have sex again, because you can’t watch a wall and do it.

Cersei makes a bee line for Bran and finds his mother Catelyn, who apologizes for not being appropriately dressed. Thankfully, Cersei understands. She asks how Bran is doing, and then launches in how she lost her son. Because that is exactly what you want to bring up to a mother agonizing over her near death child. How your kid died. But this tale of her son’s death did put Cersei otherwise known as Bitchface into a better light. I guess but she is still the same lady screwing her brother.

There are many goodbyes. Jon to Arya (who gives her a sword). Jon to Bran (I wish I could see you wake up, but I am taking the black!). Jon to Robb (Hugs). Ned to Catelyn (Don’t cheat on me again, asshole). Ned to Jon (I’ll tell you about your mother when we meet again - which may be never).

The King and Ned have lunch and start to remember about the war and the women. It was war, what could we do? Remember that busty lass Bessie? Remember how you had a son with a wench and then brought him home so that your wife would silently hate him? Good times. Then the King gets down to business - Daenerys has wedded Khal Drogo - leader of the Dothraki. The Targaryens are after my thrown. This is proof. And Ned is all, dude, why even worry, that Dothraki don’t even have boats. They have horses and can’t swim. Fucking Kings are so stupid, right? But the King warns that a war is coming. Like I would be watching this show if one wasn't.

Back at Kamp Khal, the Dothraki are whooping it up, eating horse, and probably killing each other. Tired and Horny, Drogo comes in and flips Daenerys around and mounts her accordingly. Who says romance is dead? As Dany winces and cries, she stares at her dragon eggs - which are now in a box surrounded by candles - pretty, pretty dragon eggs take away the pain of honeymoon mischief.

Some guy I don’t know is talking to Catelyn about something (I had taken Nyquil at the beginning of the show). He is all - blah, blah, fire. He runs out, where this hooded man comes in with a knife wanting to kill Bran to put him out of his misery, but Katelyn fights him, her hands on the blades. Then Bran’s direwolf jumps from the window, into the room and basically removes said attacker’s neck and gizzards in bloody gore. Finally, blood!

I then closed my eyes in a Nyquil haze opening them to what I thought was Cinemax. But nope, just Daenerys and her lady helper engaged in showing Dany the ropes when it comes to pleasing Drogo. Seems while other girls at twelve were playing with Barbies and wondering if they truly had a psychic connection to Flintstones episodes (me), others were learning the ways of wooing (Dany’s helper). Interesting, the way to Khal Drogo’s heart, is riding him - just like a horse. You are what you eat it seems.

Joffrey and Sansa are strolling and drinking wine where the stumble upon Arya playing pretend swords with the Butcher’s son. Joffrey is pissed (because of his hair?), and takes it out on the boy while Arya and Sansa look on. As he cuts the boys face, Arya can take it no longer and hits Joffrey. Then Joffrey tries to hit Arya. But oh hell no, Direwolves don’t like people hurting their masters, and Joffrey’s hand is mangled while his sword is thrown into the water by Arya.

Because Joffrey is probably genetically handicapped, he runs to his mom who summons the King and all hell breaks loose. Joffrey wants Arya punished, her dog dead. But the dog ran off at Arya’s bidding, and now Cersei says that Lady, Sansa’s Direwolf, must take the punishment. Because Ned is Ned Stark does not let others do what is his to do, he himself insists on putting Lady down. Meanwhile the Butcher’s son was also taken down by The Hound. More gore, and here I was about to worry.

We don’t see the Direwolf being executed (because beheadings are one thing, direwolves are quite another), but what is this, what do we see next - Bran, with eyes wide opened. I’m back!

Game of Thrones: A Recap

Unlike other recaps that delve into the intrinsic nature of plot and character development, this recap is simply my perspective of the show via a single viewing and while, most likely, drunk. Full disclosure, I have read Game of Thrones and have started the second book A Clash of Kings three times. Because I was either pregnant or nursing Owen, there is little I remember about these books. And let’s face it, fantasy as a genre is not my favorite - probably because I have a 25% chance of pronouncing anything correctly, and reading names like Daenerys over and over causes anxiety. Before proceeding I think we need to make mention of the Game of Thrones fan - I direct you to this: http://www.georgerrmartin.com/fans/index.html. Exactly, so without further ado -

HBO’s Game of Thrones, Episode One: Winter is Coming.

Up goes a gate and there are three men on horses. Horses! They exit through a tunnel carrying torches. Because it is fantasy people, and there is no electricity in fantasy. There are horses, fire, big gates, and fur. All of which is shown in 3.2 seconds. Is this the middle ages? No, its Westeros, a fantasy land created by George RR Martin. FANTASY. Our men exit the tunnel in front of a huge white snow covered imposing wall. Due to the ominous background music, I have deduced that these men are on a search for something most likely of a terrible nature. Our three men separate in the search. A tall lanky blonde blue eyed guy stumbles upon cut up bodies arranged in some sort of cultish symbol, or the murderer is obsessively compulsive. He races back to the others, where he begins to speak in an English accent. Because English accents scream fantasy, although poor choice George RR, because a Boston accent would have killed it. Killed it! Now we have some scuttlebutt because whisper thin Blondie is all - they are dead dude, we gotta go back. His friend, a burley bearded man, agrees. The leader is all - we gotta check it out, because “he” will want to know what happened. Who is this “he?”. I don’t know, but he sounds like an asshole. If I just saw a sculpture of body parts, I would have been all - outy 500 bitches. But Mr. Suck Up needs to impress his boss, so they travel back to the location. And nothing is there. No blood, no dead girl on a tree with weird eyes, and no bodies. Nothing. Basically, he of the cockney accent says “But sir, they were there.” “Oh really! Where are they now?” But then this super tall white half yeti creature appears and with a single blood laden sword swipe takes out the leader. Which is a lesson to all - when someone tells you there are a bunch of cut up body parts in a circle then you should probably not go back to check it out. The other two take off, and yeti gives chase catching up quickly to bearded fat dude, because he’s fat. He lifts his hair and a sweep of his sword decapitates while our blond skinny looks on. Yeti then flings this head so that it rolls up to Blondie with eyes fully opened. Holler bitches! This is Game of Thrones. Fade to black.

Theme Song and Opening Montage. This basically was a map with buildings sprouting up and some weird flutey music. I wanted to jig and/or fast forward.

Our story opens with an errant arrow. We pan to a young boy with bow, the source of many laughs. A man obvious of great power says - and were any of you great marksmen at the age of 10. Everyone becomes silent, because dude just smacked your ass down. There is some chit chat of a somewhat serious nature because of a deserter. Who dat? Dat is blondie, eyes bugged out and speaking all crazy talk of White Walkers (a/k/a the yeti snow giant). Ned Start, leader, must now take care of said deserter the only way he know how - in front of his kids with a giant ass sword. Another beheading is had and this time in daylight. Or fog-light, since you know, winter is coming.

Anyhoo, next some guy is dead. I know this because he is on a slab and has stones on his eyes. I can put two and two together with the best of them. Seems this guy was the Hand of the King, which is seemingly a close advisor. So now the king needs a new advisor - hello Eddard Stark. The King and Ned go way back. Homeys! In fact, the King travels a month to reach Ned in order to woo him into being Hand of the King. Is it me, or does that sound sort of gross and homoerotic? The King travels with his wife (Cersei), his son (Joffrey), her wife’s twin brother (Jaimie) and her other brother a dwarf (Tyrion) and his minions. Ned prepares by getting lots of booze and hookers. This is my kind of party.

The King arrives. Ned, his wife Catelyn and his children - Robb, Sansa, Arya and Bran - bow accordingly. The King calls Ned fat, and they laugh. Just like me and my friend Diane, who is really fat by the way - I don’t care if she gave birth 2 weeks ago. By the way, Ned also has another kid named John Snow - he is a bastard. As in Ned got busy with someone other than his wife. The cad!

The King asks Ned to be his Hand. Ned wavers. The King goes to see Ned’s sister’s grave - whom he really loved because he is all she should be buried atop a hill in a meadow in the sunlight - also he said she should have been his wife. True love people. Ned is all she belongs here, underground in stone. No light for her!

Now begins the boobies. Our next family to meet are the Targaryens (I had to look that up), sister Daenerys and Vicerys. They are the descendents of the former ousted king currently exiled. They have silver hair, and Vicerys takes off his sister’s clothes to examine her “womanly figure” (boobies!) because he is going to marry her off to a savage. The savage is Khal Drogo, leader of the Dothraki. From what I can tell the Dothraki like to fight, drink and have sex. What a wedding. There are intestines gutted and a wedding gift of petrified dragon eggs. And I thought my Kitchen Aid mixer was cool. Then comes the wedding night - Dany crying while Drogo strips and circles her saying “No.” Just like me and John. Ah, memories. Drogo has some impressive man boobies. I told you it was all about the boobs.

Next we meet Tyrion who is a little person, although I don’t’ think there is any political correctness in Westeros, because we are calling one kid a bastard and another one a dwarf. But Tyrion has a big wiener, I know this because when with a whore, he states “It is my only gift from God”. I ask you, why is he called Tyrion and not Tri-pod? Also, he is played by Peter Dinklage. Dink! Is that too much penis humor for you? I don’t think so. Boobs galore in the meeting of Tyrion. He seems to like whores.

Party time. Queen Cersei and Catelyn sit watching the King who is “whoring” and “drinking”. Love him. He is dancing with a wench, then proceeds to make out with said wench in the presence of his queen. How dare he. The queen only flinches. A totally appropriate response. Then there is some discussion about Sansa and Joffrey getting married so that Ned and the King will become one big happy arranged marriage family. Sansa is pretty annoying, but this Joffrey guy looks a bit genetically challenged. Which is funny, because what do we find out at the end of this episode? Cersie and her twin brother totally going at it, to which Bran (climbing the castle wall) has the unfortunate accident of discovering, because (1) incest is gross and (2) Jamie shoves him out the window.

And there you have it - Game of Thrones, Episode One: Winter is Coming a/k/a Beheadings, Boobies and Let’s Kill a 10 year old - oh my!