Football, Football, Football

Ah football. It is the season that allows the slow descent into insanity because of an overflow of fantasy football knowledge. If you have not figured it out, I can be a tad competitive. So much so, my family once accused me of memorizing Wheel Of Fortune (The Home Game) answers. This was not true, because in order to do that I would have to memorize over 300 phrases that paired with the sheet number visible on the board. Total idiot savant abilities that I unfortunately do not possess. But because of uber competitive spirit (problem), they totally believed I spent hours upon hours memorizing phrases with numbers so that I could win - at Wheel of Fortune. This gives you a slight glimpse into my competitive nature. The point is that for the last month there has been the steady consumption of fantasy football statistics, advice, magazine and websites (none of which I will share because they are my little secrets, and fucking find your own). The only thoughts this week have been fantasy football related as my drafts are tomorrow and Friday. Yesterday I came home with a tiered IDP cheat sheet as well as a tiered position cheat sheet with average draft position that John could look over so that we can discuss our plan of attack tonight. Couple time bitches! There was even the nightmare last evening about not drafting an IDP until the 10th round. A dream that woke me up, and kept me up because then I started to think of drafting strategy from the front end, middle and end draft spots. All because I am dorky. Or insane. Or competitive. But at least I have a hobby other than knitting on the train. So there!

An Open Letter

Dear PMS,

I hate you. For the past few nights I have been tossing and turning, incapable of any firm grasp on sleep. Usually my sleep is reminiscent of the dead, dead bed hogs, sure, but still - THE DEAD. Because of you and this ridiculous San Francisco heat wave, I lay in bed doing my best impression of a hot flashed fifty-five year old menopausal women while thoughts of who to draft in my fantasy football leagues bounce around in my head. Seemingly, the boy part and the girl parts of me have thrown down the gauntlet to battle. And since there will be no future use of my female parts due to fact that having another kid will inevitably make me a homeless insane drunkard, I would like to state with the most emphatic of all voices - leave me the fuck alone. I served my time through years of horrible cramps, moodiness, acne and that one time there was an unfortunate leak in high school pointed out to me by a girl in the presence of what seemed to be 1,000 boys. So yeah, cut me a break. Leave me and my mostly male mind alone. There are two fantasy drafts next week that need absolute focus. I can’t be drafting players with this girl brain of psychosis. For all I know, I will end up drafting Ochocinco because he is cute and was on the Dancing with the Stars. Shudder.

Yours truly,

Cassie McCall