Lies, All Lies - A Craigslist Story

Yesterday on Twitter, I posted the following:

If ever in doubt as to the term "delusional", just take a gander at the furniture on Craigslist, and the price being asked.
— cassiemccall (@cassiemccall)

August 14, 2013

Since I have promised to myself that I will write in this blog, again with renewed diligence, I present to you:  The Lies Craigslist Tells Me. 

First up, a VINTAGE OVERSTUFFED CHENILLE OTTOMAN. ''ROMANTIC SHABBY DECOR'' - $89 (novato).  Whoa, that sounds cheap?  89 bux for vintage chenille ottoman?  And Romantic Shabby?  What could that mean?  Well, it means this:

I don't know about you, but that does not to me present as "romantic shabby".  Torn, beat up and baby poop green, yes.  Shabby, not so much.

One thing I have noticed living in the Bay Area (aside from the god forsaken hippies) is the people here love to put concrete lions around their homes.  It is pretty rampant.  If you too seek the roaring threat of a concrete lion - Handsome pair lions for your garden / driveway - $375 (san rafael):

I mean, these guys are "handsome", but also pretty ferocious, especially this one:

It is almost like he is saying - "You better think before you ring that bell asshole."  But is $375 is too much to scare a Jehovah's Witness.  Also, please someone, what the heck is up with the lions in the Bay Area.  Although I don't even know why I'm judging considering every other front yard in the Greater Boston area has the Virgin Mary sandwiched in half of a bathtub.  Doesn't the mother of Jesus deserve better than this?

For those in need of outdoor furniture may I present:  Antique White metal Garden Table & 4 Chairs - $400 (novato)

 

Never mind "table has no top."  Or the fact that your ass would fall through the slats. 

Those willing to furnishing their "summer house" - Summer House Sofa and Armchair - $749 (san rafael)

 

Exactly whose "summer house" is this sofa and chair set going into?  John Wayne Gacy?  Nothing screams summer than the death pallor gray velveteen. 

French Linen Slipcovered Stool - $150 (sonoma).  This here is a "charming, French linen slipcovered stool with extraordinary detail--buttons and trim. Perfect condition, from a decorator's own home. 16" tall, 19" wide and 13" deep."  From a decorator's home, people:

 

It is funny because I could pay $150 dollars for this, or you know, throw a white handkerchief over a box.  Decisions. 

Those into country things - Rustic Farmhouse Cabin Small green Wood Shelf - $10 (healdsburg / windsor)

This is green painted 2x4s and plywood.  The fact that one would go to the trouble to post this (with 6 photos total, no less) all for $10 dollars is just awesome.  I imagine said person refreshing their e-mail inbox diligently with hope and promise only to have no response.  And their rustic farmhouse eyes brimming with tears of what could be. 

And there you have it - delusion in the form of Craigslist's Furniture Section, as opposed to its most known delusional spot - the personal ads.  Let us all take away the following, (1) "shabby" means ripped, (2) "antique" means beat up, (3) rustic farmhouse means crap and (4) the Virgin Mary deserves better than a bathtub.

Christopher Cross Radio On Pandora

Because Journey Radio plays far too much Bon Jovi, I made the switch to Christopher Cross Radio, which surprising began with “Sailing”.  I know! As I have been a bad blogger of late, I submit the following - a Friday afternoon of soft rock for your reading pleasure.  The first thing about soft rock is that it is, well, soft.  Soft rock is rampant with professions of undying love, current feelings of love, ever dying love and, of course, stalkery love.  It also possesses far too many sax solos if you ask me.  I know that yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and that cries of love or cries of hatred for love were enthusiastically professed.  But love in all its glory and horror is summed best in the easy listening that 70s soft rock provides.  As you can see below, the lyrics of soft rock:

All Out of Love, Air Supply

Can someone truly be all out of love?  Is this a medical condition?  On future dates you have to face the person and say “Well, I really, really like you.  Unfortunately, that is all I can do. You see, I am all out of love.  It happened in my last relationship, just completely out of love.  In fact, I was pretty lost too, but that seems to have turned around.  But, love, I am O-U-T, out.” 

I Can’t Tell You Why, The Eagles

This song is THE song of every dramatic relationship, the couples who fight and fight and fight and never actually break up even though they should.  “Every time I try to walk away, something makes me turn around and stay, and I can’t tell you why?”  Well, I can tell you why, you codependent asshole - you love drama.

Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do), Christopher Cross

“If you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best you can do is fall in love.” Or you know, call fucking NASA.

I’d Really Like to See You Tonight, Eagle Dan and John Ford Coley

A booty call, pure and simple. “But there is a warm wind blowing, the stars are out and I really like to see you tonight.  We could go walking through a windy park, or take a drive along the beach”  Or you know, fuck.  Also, “I am not talking about moving in”, so don’t expect a phone call.

Everything I Own, Bread

“I would give up my life, my heart, my home, I would give up everything I own, just to have you back again.”  I hate this stuff.  If you are giving up your life, you are by default giving up your heart and home.  Duh. Obviously you think I am stupid.  Also, it is a tad presumptuous to think someone is into necrophilia.

It Might Be You, Stephen Bishop

Basically this person has been watching trains go by, seabirds fly and holding his love until he meets that special someone.  He has been also been saving his love songs and lullabies - because every girl wants to be put to bed like a fucking two year old.  Who wants the romantic equivalent of love blue balls in a potential partner?

How Deep is Your Love, The Bee Gees

You know Andy Gibb, asking me how deep my love is, yet you outright refuse to tell me.  Obviously, the Bee Gees have no idea about “hand” in a relationship.  The person who says “I love you” first, has no hand, in other words, powerless.  Also, I am not sure how one actually comes to you on a summer breeze.  But now I guess I’ll have to swim in the ocean, roll around in sand, get a fucking drilling license to accurately describe the depth of my love and then by doing so, lose hand?

Biggest Part of Me, Ambrosia

I am not sure if this is so much a love song, as it is an outright declaration of calling your lady friend “fat.”  “You are the biggest part of me” a/k/a you whale, it is called a diet.

Steal Away, Robbie Dupree

“Don’t tease me, why don’t you please me, then show me, what you came here for,” said every rapist ever.

And that concludes your Friday afternoon of soft rock.  There are many lessons to be learned here, but most important of them all is that there are no lady soft rockers, because guys would never fall for this shit.  That being said, love in all its incarnations is here to stay, and as such there will never be an end to proclamations of undying love or horrible heartbreaks (after all, what the hell would teenagers do?).  Soft Rock, even when you do have a 3 minute sax solo which is just so wrong, I do love you too.